Liberal Repercussion

"Ruminations from Gitmo"




Dearest Denizens of the Relatively Free World:

Good news for me, bad news for everyone else concerned: the whole staff of Media Whores Online has joined me at Merka’s foremost vacation spot, Club Gitmo. I confess, I was glad for the good company. I tell you, if they round up enough of us liberals, we can stage a revolt and start our own damn country.

They got Muhammed Ali in here too. Appears that ChoicePoint gurged up his name on the “round up list” The Homeland Security folks asked him if he knew how to land a jet plane. He said “no” -- and here he is. Nicest dude you will ever meet. Ali told me to give you all a shoutout and tell you, if anyone asks if you know how to land a jet plane, SAY YES.

Also, that pasty little stinkweiner of a man -- Karl "Colonel Klinck" Rove is here. He's running the Bush reelection campaign out of Gitmo. Apparently, our captive volunteer pool is cheaper than outsourcing to India and more Republican-friendly than Austin, even.

They have us doing all kinds of weird things in the name of politics. Yesterday, I spent the day in a makeshift clean room preparing packages of anthrax that the Bushies are going to mail out to some of their Democrat friends in a show of bi-partisan love. They took me off of that shift after me and Ali broke the robotic arms while arm wrestling.

Now, I'm assigned to one of the more interesting Top Seekrit projects, beta testing the new Diebold hybrid ATM voting machine. You put in money in order to begin the voting process. It’s called a “financial competency threshold”. If you pass that, then it registers your vote -- Republican of course.

We are undergoing full tilt religious indoctrination here. They made us watch “The Passion of The Christ” the other night. Most of us thought it was gonna be porn, so there was a full house in the movie tent. Damn, didn’t know it was gonna be a snuff flick. It makes Quentin Tarantino look like a piker. Wonder if they couldn’t get something a little more family-friendly for us, like “Kill Bill” or “Reservoir Dogs”?

They’ve got this whole racket going where they’ll give you extra food if you just accept the Lord as your Savior. At first, I resorted to regurgitating song lyrics, a classic dodge from my college years.

So the head Jesus-jumper asked me “tell me hotshot, which religion is the truest?” I said “They’re all about the same. Buddha wasn’t a Christian, but Jesus would have made a good Buddhist.” That confused them and pissed them off. Apparently logic doesn’t sit well with these yo-yos.

Then, because I was so damn hungry, I threw myself on the floor and did The Worm. I recited Hiawatha in pig Latin and asked if they had any poisonous snakes I could kiss. Scared the shit out of them, but I’m eating a lot better now! AND I got internet access so that I can witness to my brethren. Consider yourselves witnessed to.

Which reminds me, I think I’ve devised the perfect google search for flushing out the creme de la creme of idiot blogs. Google: “Irwin Schiff” and “Free Republic” KA-CHING. This search yields vast legions of greedy losers posing as constitutional scholars and patriots. I gotta marvel at the brazen hypocrisy of those dickweeds. What kind of so-called patriot whines nonstop about paying his taxes? For real.

The same arrogant monkeys that snot off about how there is “no such thing as a free lunch” when it comes to social programs, but NOOOOO. When it comes to their only actual imposed duty as a U.S. citizen, paying taxes, they feel they are being boofooed with a red, white and blue broom handle.

And yet, they drive their Ford F350s around on state and national highways, hunt in state and national forests, and soak up MORE than their share of bandwidth on the government initiative known as the internet. Save me from sniveling pussy rednecks.

Snicker. I emailed Dick Armey using Herr Rove’s email account, asking him for Schiff’s home phone number, favorite color, turn-ons and such. I feel like Cupid.

Well, better get back to "witnessing" for the Lord. Love from Cassius, the MWO staff and me.

Weezil

posted by Rei Toei @ 3:31 p.m.