Liberal Repercussion

got an email from a buddy of mine that went missing over the weekend

"Greetings from Camp Gitmo"




As y'all might have heard, Ashcroft's minions hauled me off for a compulsory rehab session at Amerikkka 6.0's newest favorite resort at fabulous Guantanamo Bay in Cuba. I should have never fucking opened that door. I thought it was Publisher's Clearing House.

Apparently, there are some issues with my personification of the pResident of the Untied States as a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit. Fucking hypersensitive pricks. They should catch me in a BAD mood sometime.

So, upon arrival, I was blindfolded, tied up with nylon straps, and shaved clean. It was a lot like that fancy drug-rehab joint up in Connecticut where I first met the Shrub. I think that might be where he got the "Chimpy" nickname from... he was hooting like a wild gibbon when they brought him in.

Then they put me in a chain link pen with a roof on it, with about 700 other confused guys. It's called "Camp Delta." Do you believe this shit cost $9.7 million? I don't either.

The gun towers make me a little nervous. I mean, how would you like to be under observation by a exhausted and pissed off 18 year old with an automatic weapon?

There is a half-assed working hospital here. Shit, EVERYONE needs medical attention. I think the troops guarding us are in worse shape than we are.

The communal latrines don't have any doors. I have seen enough of other people's "business" here to last me my next six lifetimes. We need a mercy air drop from Bath & Body Works... the whiff here is incredible. There's no hot water, so we clean the stickier residue off our ourselves with baby wipes. Except Halliburton cheaped on us and sent Kitchen Wipes manufactured by some ersatz company for the Dollar Stores, so I'm chafing like a bear.

Sleeping under the stars, freezing my ass off would be kinda romantic, IF this was something I had OPTED TO DO. After a couple of miserable nights, I dug a "spider" hole and climbed into it. THANKS for the idea, Saddam. You're the only one who's been remotely helpful so far.

In truth, there were a few well-intentioned ombudsmen here, but everytime they get caught get doing their job, they get shipped out, or maybe sent to someplace even more delightful than this...

I was looking forward to the legendary specially prepared and culturally sensitive meals. Well...you have just not lived until you have eaten dehydrated reconstituted falafels cooked on the air filter of a Humvee. I knew those overpriced freakmobiles were good for something. Still, this shit tastes better than Jenny Craig. I hear it costs a lot more too. Heh. For the price they're charging for this crap, they could be Fed-Exing us Omaha Steaks.

Well, that's all for now. I'm supposed to be participating in the work/rehab program: registering dead Taliban to vote in Florida on this laptop, and not digging myself in any deeper. I guess it's my contrary un-Amerkin attitude that got me here in the first place. They can kiss my red, white and blue ass. If the ask who wrote "This Machine Kills Fascists" on the outside of the laptop with a Sharpie, I'll deny, deny, deny.

Yours in terra,
Weezil

posted by Rei Toei @ 11:10 a.m.